* Introduction: I've got a special problem with my girlfriend Maggie,
Privacy is very hard to get.
I've tried and tried to find some way to get her all alone,
But nothing that I've tried to do has quite succeeded… Yet!

Chorus 1: She brings her father, her mother, her sister and her brother.
Oh, I never see Maggie alone.
She brings her uncles and cousins, she's got 'em by the dozens.
I never see Maggie alone.
And if I phone her and say to her "Sweet,
Where shall we meet, supposing that we eat?"
She brings her father, her mother, her sister and her brother
Oh, I never see Maggie alone.

Verse 1: Maggie dear just won't go out alone.
Seems that she must have a chaperone.
When we go out, wherever we are bound,
there is always somebody around.

Chorus 2: She brings her father, her mother, her sister and her brother.
Oh, I never see Maggie alone.
One night while we were out walking and she got tired of talking,
She invited me up to her home.
I turned the lights down, 'cause they were too bright.
Oh what a night, when I turned on the light,
There was her father, her mother, her sister and her brother
Oh, I never see Maggie alone.

** Verse 2: Maggie dear is very sweet to me,
When she's near I'm happy as can be,
I long to say, "I want you for my own,"
But I never can see her alone.

* Chorus 3: I bought a roadster, two-seated, I even had it heated,
So that I could see Maggie alone.
While we were driving and kissing, the engine started missing,
And we were a long way from home.
I jumped right out then as fast as I could.
Found what was wrong, for when I raised the hood… (Guess who!)
There was her father, her mother, her sister and her brother
Oh, I never see Maggie alone.
I never see Maggie alone.

* Additional lyrics by Don Gray
** Not included in "Perfessor" Bill's recorded performance.